


ersatz

by kotaro_kun



Series: from me, with dread [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: -Ish, Alternate Universe - College/University, Creepy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Living Together, M/M, Paranormal, Psychological Horror, Suspense, Thriller, kenma and tsukishima appears for one scene each, not an horror tho more of a suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:22:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27464137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kotaro_kun/pseuds/kotaro_kun
Summary: Keiji has numerous encounters with long time friends and acquaintances. Only, he never knew these people. All he knows is: they're not real.This is a story to prove to you that Akaashi Keiji is real. Before it's too late.er·satz1. (of a product) made or used as a substitute, typically an inferior one, for something else.2. not real or genuine.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Series: from me, with dread [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2006623
Comments: 15
Kudos: 20





	ersatz

Keiji rubbed his eyes as he waited for the cross light to turn green. He had stayed up later than he would've liked finishing a reading for his literature class and now it seemed like he was yawning every twenty seconds. Luckily he had plenty of caffeine and leftover pastries waiting for him at his job.

He was idly wondering if they had any pastelitos left from yesterday as he moved among the throng of people crossing the street, when he saw someone coming from the other side. Kenma. Keiji smiled and waved, surprised to see his friend up so early, as the greeting was returned. Kenma worked in the opposite way of most human beings, waking up in the evening and going to sleep at brunch time. Amusedly Akaashi thought that maybe Kenma wasn't up early at all. Most likely he hadn't even gone to bed yet, maybe he had stayed awake all night again and had decided that before going to sleep he'd like to have a slice of apple pie from the bakery nearby. He knew how his friend loved their pie, one of the few foods the gamer actually liked to eat, abandoning his "eat to live" mentality.

As he was about to step into the sidewalk once again he stopped. Who was he thinking about? Who had he seen? He snapped his head back to try and find the person again except… he couldn't remember how they looked. 

He shook his head, continuing his way down the street. Perhaps he was more tired than he had realized. He would make sure to take a nap after coming home from work. 

* * *

Even if at the time Keiji hadn't made a big deal out of that strange occurrence, it stuck with him. He felt uneasy, and not because of the embarrassment of waving at someone you mistook as an acquaintance. The thing is Keiji couldn't remember who he would have mistaken that person for, he couldn't remember their hair, their clothes, what gender they were, nothing. It was an unsettling feeling considering that during the one second they made eye contact Keiji was certain he knew a lot about that person, what was their favorite food, their personality, what was their life like. He could even remember how they _talked_ even though he was pretty sure they didn't talk while crossing the street. It was like a reverse deja vu feeling, but instead of half remembering something he had half forgotten. Screw that, he had completely forgotten. One second he and that person were good friends and the next he couldn't remember if the person was a man or woman.

But Akaashi was a reasonable individual and the more he thought about it the more silly the situation seemed. It was just his mind playing a trick on him, he hadn't slept as well as he was used to the night before, it had been only a couple minutes since he left his bed, he was distracted. It was just a weird situation, whatever that "reverse deja vu" thing was. 

As time passed Keiji thought less and less about that day, to the point it almost left his memory. Until it happened again.

* * *

It had been a couple weeks since the forgetfulness episode and Keiji had completely forgotten it. Especially since he had other things to worry about like his midterms and the few literary projects he needed to get done for extra credit.

Four o'clock was Akaashi's favorite time of the day, and not only because it was usually when he clocked out. He considered it a pleasant period, usually customers just came in to grab a coffee or a dessert before sitting down at the lounge area to relax after work or class, sort of like a little prize for getting done with the day.

His shift would have ended already if it wasn't for his colleague's tardiness. He signed noticing some patrons glancing at his direction, the telltale sign that they wanted to order. He had tried to not get anyone's order since he didn't want to be stuck making them when his coworker showed up, but he guessed it couldn't be put off for longer without people noticing he was actively avoiding serving them.

As he moved to go around the tables the bell above the door chimed signalling Komi's arrival. Keiji gave him a frown that was reciprocated with an apologetic grimace as the shorter hurried to the back to get changed into his uniform.

"Just get the orders, I'll make them!" Komi yelled before the back door snapped closed behind him.

Akaashi rolled his eyes but made his way towards the two girls sitting at the table close to the windows, taking down their orders. After writing them down he decided to go around the tables and check if he could get the customers anything else, when he saw a blonde man sitting at a table near the front of the store. Akaashi recognized the murderous expression he was giving the papers in front of him in an instant. 

"Having any troubles, Kei?" Keiji said, leaning his hips against the tall table.

"Why, you wanna teach me about dinosaurs, perfect-Keiji?" Tsukishima retorted with a very annoyed smirk.

Akaashi laughed while taking out his notepad, "I didn't see you coming in. Have you been waiting for long?"

"Not really. I will get the usual."

The waiter nodded, heading back to the counter where Komi was already waiting for him, hurriedly tying his apron. He passed to his coworker the girls' orders, but decided to make Tsukishima's himself. It was a simple strawberry milk with honey, something his friend chose to indulge in every once in a while when he was frustrated with school and couldn't care less to contain his sweet tooth. Akaashi smirked thinking about the irked expression Kei had when Keiji caught him struggling with assignments, something the blonde didn't do very often. He prepared the drink with utmost attention, dedicating all his focus into measuring correctly the milk, strawberry syrup and honey. He finished the order with a self satisfied smile, he was proud that even at the end of his shift he would take the time to make the most impeccable drink possible.

"Akaashi? Who's that one for?"

Keiji froze. The hair on the back of his neck rose as a paralyzing chill ran down his spine. Slowly, he turned his head, looking past the counter, past the two girls, gazing at the front of the store where the table near the window was… empty. 

There was no sign Tsukishima had been sitting there. Or whoever was there. Because Keiji didn't know a Tsukishima.

The only reason he even remembered the name was because it was inked into his notepad with their order.

He left the store in a half panick, half daze. It happened _again_. And this time he had talked with the person as if they were old friends. He knew their usual order. And now everything was gone. 

Keiji closed the front door of his apartment leaning against it. His heart was beating out of his chest, his throat was burning and it didn't matter how much he breathed he never seemed to have enough air in his lungs. He had to calm down, not being able to breath was only making him even more distraught. Breathe in for four seconds. Hold it in for five. Breathe out for six. Repeat.

A sudden loud bang at the door jolted Keiji out of place. The shockwaves of the hit against the door reverberated through his back and his heart started beating three times faster. He turned towards the door, eyes as big as saucers with tears threatening to spill down his cheeks as despair took over him. What the hell is happening now?

"Keiji? You home babe?" 

Bokuto. He stumbled over his own feet in his frenzy to unlock the door. When he finally managed to, Akaashi threw himself into his boyfriend's arms, silently crying into his chest.

"Hey, hey, what's happening?" Bokuto asked, concern lacing his voice as he cautiously encircled Keiji's shoulders in a hug. 

Once the initial shock wore off Keiji felt Kotaro squeezing him tighter against his chest, he then left a kiss at the top of his head before resting his cheek on the dark silk curls.

Suddenly he could breathe easier. Maybe because he felt so safe in Bokuto's arms he knew he didn't have to worry about anything but to get air inside his lungs. As if nothing bad could happen while he was in his lovers embrace.

"Why didn't you just use your key?" Keiji sniffed into Kotaro's shirt, trying to sneakily dry his runny nose on the fabric. "You scared me."

Bokuto tilted his head quizzically, "I scared you 'cause I knocked on the door? Is someone after you, that's why you're so freaked out?" 

And that was all it took for the unsettling feeling to creep up his spine again. Except not as strong. He was with Kotaro, in his apartment. He was safe.

Yet, somehow the fear he felt must have shown on his face for Bokuto was looking at him with a concerned expression he didn't wear often.

"Let's get inside, okay?" Bokuto whispered before kissing his cheek sweetly and guiding him inside their home.

* * *

To say Bokuto didn't do well with serious topics was an understatement. It wasn't that he was inconsiderate or dismissive, the contrary, he truly wanted to be of use and comfort. The only problem was he didn't have the slightest idea how to do it. Mostly Akaashi didn't hesitate to talk to him about emotional concerns and reassurance, but when he needed a straightforward solution to a complicated real problem, his boyfriend floundered uncertainly, tossing out the most obvious and easiest ideas, not grasping that some things didn't have a uncomplicated answer.

Keiji tried to convey the best he could, the terror of one second knowing everything about a person, _sharing memories with them_ , and then the next have it all ripped from your mind as if they were never there.

He explained how at the street he even knew how the person sounded although they didn't talk at all, and then not even knowing how that person looked like. Forgetting absolutely everything.

He could tell Bokuto was getting freaked out cause Akaashi was getting freaked out, and of course the first thing to come out of his mouth after Keiji just confessed the two most terrifying moments of his life, was a lame "That sounds like me during a math test" joke.

This wasn't the support and reassurance the younger was seeking, and even more he was offended Bokuto wasn't taking this as serious as he should. As if Keiji was just overreacting or being weird.

"Hey, I'm sorry love, please." Kotaro pleaded, grasping Keiji's hand after the raven started to get up off the couch. Akaashi looked at him straight in the eyes, trying to show him how disappointed and hurt he was with the way Bokuto chose to respond.

"This is not funny Bokuto, this is serious and I don't know what's wrong with me." He hoped his lover could tell how desperate he sounded for someone to just say this wasn't as scary as it seemed and maybe even, that it was normal. 

"I know I just…" Bokuto grimaced at the floor, scratching the back of his head. After a pregnant pause he sighed, dragging his gaze back to Keiji's face. "I just don't know what to think? Like what are we talking about? You think someone is messing with your head or- I don't know! The government?! Aliens?"

"I don't know either, Bokuto!" He snapped, physically shoving his companion back. He went from terrifyingly scared to explosively angry in less than a second, he felt like an unstable person, a nutcase, because that was the only explanation for it wasn’t it? Government and aliens.

Bokuto held his hands up, as if to try and appear harmless. "Listen, it's fine. Just… chill." He grimaced right after the last word left his mouth. "Just calm down, okay? Then we can think more clearly."

So they sat side by side at the couch for minutes, gazing lostly at the black TV screen in front of them, before Bokuto broke the silence.

"You know… My grandpa, he got something like that. Like, he'd forget stuff and shit that happened real quick."

"Alzheimer's" Akaashi choked out.

"Yeah." Kotaro replied, grabbing his hand between them.

"But it's not the same. I know how Alzheimer's works and it isn't like this." He was sure of it, first because it only happened to older people, second you don't just forget everything about a person out of a sudden, it should happen slowly and with smaller things. Not freaking erase all memories he had with two certain people right after he saw them.

"I know but maybe there is something else?"

"Something else." Keiji echoed. "You think I have a brain disease?"

"No! But I mean- it can happen to anyone! And maybe it’s not something serious, just stress or something!" 

Akaashi slowly nodded, agreeing with his boyfriend. This was a reasonable and acceptable explanation and he couldn't see why he hadn't thought of it sooner. Maybe because he was so occupied panicking and getting offended by his lover's reaction.

Keiji collapsed into Bokuto with sheer relief. It was pretty scary having a mental disorder of sorts but the whole situation seemed less hopeless and absurd now that he had found a real explanation for it. At least if he knew what was wrong, there would be hope to fix it.

"You're right. I'll schedule an appointment soon."

* * *

He scheduled a normal checkup for the following week and when the day arrived he was feeling more and more reticent about actually going. It's been a week since the coffee shop incident and nothing similar has happened again. Still, to settle his and Bokuto's worries he decided to go through with it and see the doctor. It was better safe than sorry, anyway, if there was nothing wrong, good, if there was something wrong he'd be glad he made the decision to go.

Keiji arrived at the university hospital at midday and was greeted by a nurse at the front. He couldn't remember her name but he was pretty sure he had seen her around campus before.

The nurse immediately guided him to a room where she told him, with an amicable smile, to wait for Doctor Ukai to join him shortly.

Silently Akaashi celebrated the fact that it would be Ukai who would be tending to him today. He was a known name on campus, having been an adviser and teacher at the medical school, although Keiji wasn't sure he still held that position. He was under the impression he had retired from his teaching career and instead focused on handling the student patients. He supposed that was a good change of pace from a stressful high position like professor, and as calm a life as any doctor could have. 

Regardless he was still seen fairly frequently on campus and even Keiji had a chance to spend time in Ukai's presence, when they both volunteered to help teach some kids the basics of volleyball at a nearby elementary school. 

Before he could use his wandering thoughts to distract himself any further a quick knock came on the door followed by Doctor Ukai popping his head inside the room. Surprisingly, he recognized Keiji and the two exchanged pleasantries before striking a friendly conversation that ended with the doctor coaxing Akaashi's problems out of him a lot easier than he'd like to admit. He explained the two episodes, albeit less detailed, afraid the doctor would think he was crazy, and how his boyfriend feared he might have something similar to Alzheimer's or another disease affecting his memories. 

Doctor Ukai nodded throughout Keiji's ramble only probing to ask a couple questions - history of mental illness in his family, if he was taking any prescription medication, his workload, how was school, - followed by a few wellness tests. The whole process was very easy and fast, something that made the raven relax a bit more.

After the procedure was finished doctor Ukai left the room affirming he'd be back with some reports and papers for Akaashi to fill out but not before telling his patient that he could rest assured for it appeared there was no serious health issue and that it was most likely the stress playing tricks with his mind.

Once the doctor was out of sight Keiji very ungracefully sagged on his chair, relief coursing through every vein on his body. He had thought of stress being the perpetrator, since midterms were approaching and he was jiggling a literature major with a full time job and a committed relationship. He wasn't getting the mental rest he would like to and it had recently affected his sleeping schedule. 

Just as he was finally brightening up and starting to feel good again the door opened a second time as a female doctor walked in, apparently startled to see Keiji sitting there.

"Oh you must be-" she glanced down at her clipboard. "- Keiji Akaashi. My 4 o'clock appointment. I was waiting for you, we didn't see you walk in." She smiled moving towards the desk.

Keiji’s face pinched in confusion. "I'm sorry but I thought my appointment with Doctor Ukai was almost over already."

This time was her turn to be confused. "Doctor who?"

Keiji was about to respond when his heart sank. It had happened again. Doctor Ukai wasn't real.

"Did you already check in at the front desk? Who guided you?" 

Akaashi tried to answer but then he realized he couldn't remember the nurse that had let him in either. His heart was beating so fast in his chest it was like a single hum echoing through his skull. Damn it, he really felt like crying. But the doctor was already eyeing him up suspiciously and he couldn't add more problems on top of whatever was happening now, so he formed a quick excuse.

"I- I didn't know we had to check in. I thought we just walked inside." He smiled faintly. "Sorry."

The doctor kept her eyes on him for a tense moment before grinning.

"Of course you have to but don't worry. I'll tell the nurses once we're finished. Let's see what is happening to you first."

So for the next 20 minutes he found himself going through the exact same motions as with Doctor Ukai, except now the doctor's name was Saeko and he _thinks_ she was real.

At the end of the appointment she told him the same thing Doctor Ukai had said but with different words. Except Keiji believed less in the diagnosis this time around. Saeko prescribed him a sleeping pill and sent him on his merry way back home.

When he got there Kotaro was sitting on the couch waiting for him. He was jittery, visibly anxious and Keiji mourned making his boyfriend worry even more, except he couldn't carry this alone anymore. He told him everything and as usual Bokuto didn't quite know what to do.

"Well, why don't you try taking the medicine? You should call off work too, try to relax-"

"It won't work Bokuto!" He shouted. "I'm feeling fine! I'm rested! What I saw wasn't an hallucination, it was real! Look at me Bokuto, look at me and tell me if I'd be the type to see random things?"

Bokuto averted his gaze but Akaashi knew he had gotten his point across. After a short silence, which he imagined his boyfriend was letting the entire situation sink in, Bokuto spoke:

"Are you sure that Doctor Ukai was a doctor? What if he was just a creep messing with you."

"It doesn't matter if he was a doctor or not!" He said exasperatedly. "He wasn't real! Did you not listen to me? When he was there I had all these memories, but after he left, poof, it was all gone."

"But isn't it weird?" At Akaashi's incredulous look he rushed to amend. "I mean! You said that you never remember anything. How come now you remember his name and even that you two volunteered to help the kids with volleyball or whatever?"

Keiji paused. Kotaro was right, something had changed, he did retain certain memories. But at the same time…

"They're not real. Those memories I have they're overlapping." He paced around the room, rubbing his hands against his face in an attempt to clear his mind. "I can remember him being there but I can also remember him not being there."

"But how do you know which is real?"

"I… I just know. I can feel it. But why can I remember him and not the others?" He pitifully muttered to himself.

Not long after he stationed in the middle of their living room, pale arms encircled his waist from behind as he felt Bokuto's head rest on his shoulder.

"It's okay, dear." He whispered, lovingly kissing Akaashi's neck.

The younger was trying to stay composed, or better, to not acknowledge how serious this all looked, but he was starting to crack. "Kou what if I'm going crazy?"

"Whatever this is we'll get through it, honey. Things will get better." Kotaro whispered, pushing him closer against him. 

* * *

Unfortunately, Bokuto was wrong.

A week later Keiji exchanged notes with a classmate named Washio. At the end of the class he realized he didn't share lectures with anyone named that.

A few days later he stopped at the hallway to chat with his friend Konoha. A friend he never had.

As the days passed more and more he'd have encounters with these fake people, until it became part of his daily routine. It was so constant he found it impossible that no one was witnessing all those random strangers he was talking to. He wondered if they too were plagued with fake memories of them, thinking it was just Keiji talking with a classmate they had seen before. But when he asked some _real_ people, it appeared those encounters happened when no one was paying attention, hence even when there were other people around they couldn't describe whoever Keiji had been accompanied by.

Akaashi thought of new ways to cope with the situation. He thought he could just ignore it, not talk to anyone, but it was hard because he couldn't discern the real ones from the fake. Not to say it was difficult turning your face to someone you genuinely think is your friend and who you have all these memories together.

At Bokuto's insistence he finally tried the pills, even though he knew it'd be just wasted money, and lo and behold the next day he bought a magazine from a street vendor that always worked in front of their building since they moved in. A vendor that had never been there before.

Then he thought maybe he could just live with it, embrace it. Yes, he saw people that didn't exist but mostly they just talked to him and then he forgot them. Maybe he could deal with that. But apparently whoever or whatever was doing this to him didn't want him to cope. One of the managers at the coffeeshop told him to toss out some milk that had gone bad. Twenty minutes later his real boss caught wind that he had thrown a week's worth of perfectly good milk away. That night he was plagued with the thoughts of fake customers coming in and ordering drinks that no one would pay for, Keiji wasting his coworker's time telling them to prepare food for someone that wasn't there, passing drink orders for a coworker that didn't exist to prepare. Him leaving the store thinking that his fake colleague had arrived for their shift. He quit the job the next day.

With time not only the encounters got more frequent, but they also got more real. Not in the sense that he'd have doubts afterwards if they were a fake or not, he could still tell all of them apart, always, but more in the sense that the memories got more elaborate. Some of them would date from years before, shared birthdays, graduation, get-togethers. Like with Doctor Ukai he would sometimes still remember them but mostly he'd forget them. Still the ones he remembered he could feel they were fake.

In the middle of all this, as if it couldn't get any worse, his sister, Keiko, sent him a text asking if he was already on his way over. In a half panic he remembered he had agreed to go home for her birthday so they'd be able to celebrate with their parents. He had been looking forward to this, how could he have forgotten it?

Akaashi quickly made his bags, throwing inside some mismatched outfits in a mad rush, before running to email his professors that he wouldn't attend classes the next day, not forgetting to send Kotaro a text saying that he had already left to spend his sister's birthday at their parent's house.

He dashed for the station and for some stroke of luck, in this less than ideal life he was having, the train for his hometown was just about to take off in ten minutes.

He huffed his way towards a bench, red in the face and with sweat accumulating on his temples. Lately he had gotten the habit of only looking down when waiting in public spaces to lessen the chance of him seeing another person that doesn't exist, he'd usually take the time to read a book but with all the rush he left his home with he hadn't packed any. Great. He searched his coat pocket for his phone intending to waste some time in it, when it started ringing before he could even press the home button. His first thought was that his sister was calling but then Akaashi saw Kotaro's name shining on the screen.

"Kou?"

"Keiji! Where are you?" Bokuto sounded frantic. Keiji frowned.

"At the train station, I sent you a text. I'm visiting my sister for her birthday."

"Keiji, you're an only child."

Akaashi faltered. "No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are." Bokuto insisted.

"Listen, this isn't funny Kotaro. I hoped you'd have more sense than to joke about whatever the fuck is going on with me." He hissed into the line. He couldn't believe Bokuto had called him only to try and pull a prank. Keiji's sister had called him. He knew she's real because he's got memories of them together since he was as young as four. Them sharing fruits their mother cut for them, running around in the backyard, fighting, crying. He remembered all that. And even if he couldn't trust those memories she had called him. The fake ones had never done that before.

"I'm not fucking joking Keiji! Just-!" He heard Bokuto exhale deeply, trying to manage his temper. "Just sit for a bit and try to wait for it to pass."

"I can't! The last train is leaving in ten minutes." Akaashi said a bit louder than he would've liked, noticing a few people glancing his way.

"Don't get on the train Keiji, trust me."

Akaashi sighed, defeated. Deep down he knew Bokuto would never do something like this to him, but admitting the truth was ever scarier. For the first time he actively hoped his memories wouldn't leave him once this passed.

"Okay. I'll wait and call her."

Bokuto paused wanting to argue, but maybe he thought it'd be better to let his boyfriend do whatever he wanted, as long as he didn't leave the station. "Yeah, call her. I'll be home soon."

Keiji spent the next five minutes trying to call Keiko, leaving voicemails and messages. She didn't reply to any of them. Once the train arrived at the station he boarded, since he hadn't forgotten his sister. However at the very next stop things started to get clearer and his real memories came back. He left the train and walked the way back home crying on the phone with Bokuto.

* * *

It never got better like him and Kotaro wished. His grades started to slip since he was studying for classes he didn't have and doing assignments passed by professor's that didn't exist. He started to keep a print out of his classes schedule but it didn't help since he was wasting time showing up for events that didn't exist, attending clubs he never joined.

He started distancing from any type of social life. The class schedule was switched to a daily planner. He planned all his days meticulously, twenty four hours in advance, with a strict rule to absolutely never deviate from what was marked there, since he was prone to fake memories that would trick him into honoring non existent plans.

Of course that wasn't going to last. He couldn't plan his whole life twenty four hours in advance and have everything go according to how he had predicted. Life didn't work that way. Never deviate from what was in the planner meant that if teachers changed rooms last minute or canceled a class he wouldn't know. Soon the absences and school work started piling up to a point of despair. He dropped out of college.

He stayed inside the apartment most of the time. Even though he didn't have a job anymore, he could still pay his share of the rent with his savings. Kotaro was understanding and was doing the best he could in a situation like this. Keiji thanked the heavens everyday for the man they placed on his path. Bokuto would do the grocery shopping and buy the house essentials, as Keiji holed inside the apartment, afraid of going out and having his mind play tricks on him. Still, he could tell his boyfriend worried when he'd spend days without stepping out the door. But he just couldn't risk it. He never answered the door anymore. Delivery guys or acquaintances would knock and he'd just sit in silence and wait for it to pass. His phone was off too. There were too many fake callers and the only person he needed to talk to was inside the home.

Three months later found Keiji staring unblinking at the computer screen in front of him. He had finished writing down everything that had happened to him up to that point. Now he had to-

There was a knock on the front door. He closed his eyes tightly. _You can't open it. They're not real. You can tell when they're not real, Keiji._

They were talking. He recognized the voice. It's Bokuto.

He forgot his keys again. But Keiji couldn't open the door. There was only a single bed in his apartment.

**Author's Note:**

> i think the ending is pretty cool


End file.
